Jack Blanchard’s Column: The World Needs A Laugh
My father said, “I’d like to purchase a chicken.”
The farmer said, “Want a pullet?”
Dad said, “No. Just put it in a bag. I’ll carry it.”
“Bewitch me, darling.”
“I’ll bewitch you in a minute. I’m busy.”
They can keep me in prison
but they can’t keep my face from breaking out.
Back when we had the million-seller Tennessee Birdwalk
there were only a million people in the world.
In an old theater that had mice, Misty said, “Down-on-their-luck show mice.”
SONG. “They tried to sell us egg foo young.”
COUNTRY SONG. “Cranky, I’m Cranky for feeling so lonely.”
WARNING: Bears can go 35 mph… Faster if they’re in a car.
There’s a fly in here! I thought this was a No-Fly Zone!
It’s sunny, beautiful. and in the 50s here in Florida.
Makes me feel almost alive!
Our car only makes left turns. I’m never gone long.
HEARD ON THE ARK: “All hens on deck!”
EXCITEMENT IN A SENIOR COMMUNITY… The unexpected pregnancy.
MY NEW INVENTION… The Suppository Gun.
MY SELF-HELP BOOKS… “The Power of Positive Whining.
“Build a Mechanical Squirrel in Your Garage.”
THE LIMO. Misty and I once bought a raggedy old limousine for $90.
We needed transportation and would rather look eccentric than poor.
To add to the effect, we colored it powder blue with house paint and a brush.
At a gas station, two tough guys said they knew the car
and we owed them big money. We’d never been there before in our life!
I floored it and sped away at four miles an hour.
TO A HECKLER: “Why don’t you get a toupee with a brain in it?
A friend said, “I bet you never have a dull moment at your house.”
I said, “I’m having one right now.”
At Christmas, our phone never stops ringing!
It’s those four calling birds!
My dad had a mole on his nose. He had it tattooed to look like a fly.
I’m getting my elbows pierced
so I can wear cuff links with a short-sleeved shirt.
Aunt Bess could jump 3 feet straight up without bending her knees.
My dad talked to himself a lot. Nobody knew it because he was a ventriloquist.
A cashier demanded that I prove I’m NOT eligible for a senior discount.
On Thanksgiving, I enjoy catching squirrels and dressing them up as Pilgrims.
No more chicken for me. The feet get caught in my throat.
Misty said, “My hair looks like a drowned rat.”
I said, “No. It looks like a nice rat.” She laughed.
I’m heading for the roundhouse. They can’t corner me there.